Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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