Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
