so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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