I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
