So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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