How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
