Just fell off a train. Bad.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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