Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
