My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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