I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
