nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
