I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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