is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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