My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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