it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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