Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
