I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
