if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
