3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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