Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
