i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
