i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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