Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize