just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
