Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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