Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
