just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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