I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
