Please, let me fuck your mom
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
