If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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