I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
