I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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