DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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