Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
