I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
