The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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