Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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