Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
