guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
