This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize