The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
