I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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