1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
