i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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