I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
