Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
