I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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