We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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