So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
