I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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