I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
