I'm eating all of the evidence.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
