i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
