I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize