I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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