I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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