I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We had sex on a dog bed..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
